Some of the other players of JaLL have written about the game. I’ve collected the ones I could find here. But if I have missed some please tell me, I want a complete collection. Here you will find both academic and design comments on the game alongside very personal accounts of the game (sometimes within the same post). But I can highly recommend to read them all as they all either puts to words my thoughts in a much better way or even highlights elements that I had not even considered. Good reading.

Losing friends and the stories we tell ourselves – Just a Little Lovin – Denmark 2015
Evan both retells his characters story in a very readable way, but at the same time offers some thought on why the game works.

Love sex death and liminality ritual in Just a Little Lovin
Sarah looks at rituals and what part they play in a game like JaLL. This one really blew my mind and I’ll be returning to this when I really start designing “The Longest Stay”.

Just a Little Lovin
For Mo this was his first Nordic larp and he gives a good account of what made it so strong and good.

The bridge between love and death
Eden writes about death in roleplay. She compares the role death plays in JaLL and “White Death”. She also gives an account of her JaLL experience that is just so well written.

Sikkerheds mekanikker og sikkerheds kultur
Here Troels talks about how safety techniques are not only there to be used, but that the mere presence of them creates a culture of looking after each other.

A fantastically horrible journey through the early 1980s
In his by now 3 part series (more on the way) Emil retell his personal story much like I did. As you will see, he had a completely different narrative than mine, and I can tell you each and every story within the game was that different from each other.
Part 1 – Background
Part 2 – Act 1
Part 3 – Act 2

They luster on
This very personal post about the game by Erik is so damn well written and captures so well some of my own thoughts about the game and the experience it was.

The Book
From the first Danish run of JaLL this book was made. It contains accounts from that run. I haven’t read it but will at some point in the future.

The Speech 
This is not from that game but a speech Eirik gave before his larp Koikoi that Tor readout at the beginning of ours and should be read out before each and every larp.

This is my last post about JaLL, I had planned to write about the tools, techniques and structure of the game and also my favorite scenes from the game. But both posts didn’t quite work, so I won’t do those. But this is a cool way to end it. Because all the post above in one way or another covers those two points better anyway.

One thing I want to add is that when trying to write my favorite scenes I realized how little of the others play I had seen. I had been so focused and I suppose worried about my own game that I never just sat for a bit and watched what was going on around me, something that is actually completely fine to do in a long game like this. I think that is a lesson, I’ll try and take with me, and another reason to why I want to try to play an In game photographer. Then you have an excuse to observe other people. And I know that I’m differently aware when I’m on a photo job, and it would be cool to move that awareness into a game.

So that was it, that was JaLL. In in a roll of the credits this all the posts I made about JaLL from beginning to end:

Pre JaLL posts:

Just a Little Lovin – intro: The very first post I wrote about this game.

Just a Little Lovin – Bruce: My presentation and thoughts about my character.

Just a Little Lovin – Thinking about the character: the thought process I had used in preparation for the game.

Just a Little Lovin – Talking about the character: How I had used talking to others as a tool for preparation, and tips for others on how to use it.

Just a Little Lovin – Theme music for a character: the role music played in my preparation, and tips on how to use it.

Post JaLL posts:

Just a Little Lovin – Intro post: the first quick reaction after the game

JaLL – The dual story of Bruce – Act 1 the rich bastard in doubt

JaLL – The dual story of Bruce – Act 2 love and confusion

JaLL – The dual story of Bruce – Act 3 happy ever after, breakdown and buildup

JaLL – Clothing and magic items: how to use costumes and items as a immersion tool both in preparation and during the game.

JaLL – Just a Little Sexuality: A on request post about my experience with sexuality in this game.

Thank you for reading along.
Simon James Pettitt – 2015

When I published my intro post about the larp “Just a Little Lovin” I asked what people would like to read about in my posts on JaLL. One suggestion that came up was sexuality. Apparently others have had very strong experience with this. I remember several of the gay and bisexual players talking about how great it was to finally play a game for them. Erik put it very well:

“JaLL making the plotlines gay and queer made them easier to understand for me, or at least identify with, so I could appreciate the *stories* on their own merit without having to make mental adjustments and hypotheticals.”
(You should also read his account of the game, it’s way better put than mine)

Many also commented on the fact that it was great to experience a larp with a set of characters from their world view so to say. (As someone joked: finally the straight roles was outnumbered in a larp)

That for me as a straight(ish) male has really been an eye opener. I have been thinking about this before for example in connection with “Things That Happen to Other People.” (A Fastaval game also by Tor). That this larp is sadly special because many of the characters are LGBT, but other than the fact that AIDS hit this group first most of the conflicts and stories don’t arise from the fact that the characters are LGBT, it’s just a fact like any other part of the character. It’s the same in “Things That Happen to Other People.” It’s about a group of people fleeing a civil war, and in this group there’s a love story, where the two lovers just happen to be men. It’s not an issue, it’s just a fact, and I love that and we need more of that.

Foto: Petter Karlsson

Another thing that is kinda connected to sexuality or more correctly gender (I think) is something I took from the larp: those who know me, know I’m not the most manly of men in that boring traditional way. I have in the past been asked if I’m gay. My stance and body language is not traditional masculine and my favorite cocktail is the cosmopolitan. I’m ok with that, I have accepted that. And luckily I have never been ashamed of it. It’s such an ingrown part of who I am, that I have never tried to change it. Not because I was particularly proud about it, but because I know it would be uncomfortable and in wain any way.

And I know now who very stressful and tense it would be to try and change, but I’ll get back to that. As I said I’m not ashamed of it. But I’m fully aware that some men and probably also women have looked down on me because of that. And I have seen it as a weakness. It’s hard to explain. It’s a bit like I know I’m not that good looking, but I’m not ashamed of that, there’s nothing to do about it. But I’m fully aware that it’s a weakness that puts me at a disadvantage in some situations.

Bruce on the other hand was very masculine. I even went to Hanne, who ran a gender bending workshop, for people playing a different gender than their own, to get some tips on how to be and move more masculine. That by the way became a great tool for getting into and out of character. I would dramatically change the way I stood or moved and I would feel different. When getting out of Bruce I would exaggerate my own body language to show myself that I was me again, it felt so liberating because it felt very tense to be in that manly way and to be so aware of how I held myself at all times (that’s what I meant by stressful and tense. It helped my immersion, because Bruce was stressful and tense, but to try and do that day in and day out? Never!)

But Bruce felt very powerful, so sure of himself and his place in the world. Even when cracking when facing death and confusing love he was still powerful. He was still this pillar of energy, power and command. Just on shaky ground. And without thinking about it after the larp I felt this power stance move from Bruce’s way of standing and moving into my own way of standing and moving. I suddenly felt proud of my body language almost defiant. It has since gone away a bit, but I can still once in awhile feel this defiant power and proudness of my way of being. Before I didn’t care what others thought, but I was aware that they might see my body language as week compared to other men. Now I’m at times able to feel proud of my way of being. This is me, this is my strength, and I’m fucking proud of it. There’s power in it not weakness. That is a strong experience. And that is what I took from the larp in form of sexuality or gender or whatever it is.

Now playing gay, well as I said I’m straight(ish), but I have played gay before. I have even played straight relationships where my female partner was played by a man. And I have played gay relationships with a woman playing my gay lover. And I have never had a problem distinguishing the player form the character and being aware that the love I played was towards a character not the player. So I didn’t really have any issues with playing gay. It’s just yet another love story just with different genitalia combinations. And who doesn’t love a good love story?

Read my introduction here
Read act 1 here
Read act 2 here

Right continuing where we left off:
So the goals for Bruce in the last act was to try and work out a better relationship with Mickey, and find out what that meant. But also to avoid the empty church, he had seen in his mind, when no one came for him after the brush with death. Many other things were planned as well, but I won’t go into them here.

In 3 act I tried to go for a more relaxed Bruce, a man confused about his spot in life and relationships and not angry any more but still hurt. As I write this, I now see how close to home that is. During the game Bruce drifted closer and closer to me, I see that now.

Do you know how hard it is to plan to create meaningful relationships in game? Especially with only one act left. What was I thinking? Anyway that’s what I tried to do. It didn’t work. The beginning was fine Bruce had a great shouting match with someone who wanted his financial support, but almost demanded it from him because his friend was sick. To which Bruce shouted: “I was one of the first to lose someone! You do not get to play that card at me!” While the other hurried off. Loved it.

Mickey and Bruce in the 3 act. They look happy. And see how more relaxed they both dress compared to act 2. Foto: Elina Andersson

It was interesting to watch Bruce and Mickey try and find a way to be in a relationship they both could be comfortable with. This was explored in a few rather subtle scenes that I still love. They kinda just showed in small ways that things had changed and now they were figuring out how to do this as equals, but also as two men used to power games and wearing masks. They both struggled with the same issues but in very different ways. It was hard to play because it was so subtle, but looking back at it now, it feels kinda beautiful. Especially in contrast to the ugliness of act two.

I keep coming back to one tiny moment during the drag show. Bruce was shouting some comment at the stage and suddenly Mickey gently put his hand on Bruce’s knee and shook his head ever so slightly as if saying “enough.” And for the first time Bruce relented and muttered “you’re right, sorry.” No one saw this, I’m not even sure Mickey’s player knows the importance of that moment. But for me it showed that Bruce had changed, but also how special Mickey was to Bruce. The only one the shark would listen too.

I want to mention two other scenes as they kinda closes the story of Bruce and Micky. One might have happened twice once in the evening once in the morning. But the point of the scenes was Bruce once again telling Mickey, that he loved him but now saying, that he knew that Mickey could not say it back or maybe even feel it back, but that Bruce was ok with that. And that he knew that this might not be forever, but that he would enjoy every moment of it as long as it lasted. Or something along those lines. The essence was that Bruce had come to terms with the relationship and the uncertainties in it and was in a word: content.

The other scene was a double black box scene towards the very end. It was basically either Bruce or Mickey dying first. With Bruce he left half he owned to Mickey, the other half to the fight against AIDS, but left no note. This confused and saddened Mickey. He didn’t need the money, that was just a hassle, he needed a note, a goodbye, anything! But that was Bruce in a nutshell, bad at relationships to the end.

In fact the missing note was so frustrating for me as a player, that a few days after the game I had to write two versions of the goodbye note just to please myself. The player of Gwen’s interpretation is that Bruce wrote these, but didn’t show them, “No. Too emotional”. But as Mickey’s player said: all versions are true, that’s the beauty of role play. In the other scene Mickey dying first it turned out that he had quite a bit of money and could easily have made it on his own but chose not to. He left the money to his half sister Sam with a note saying:

“She needs it more.
I love you too.”

Ah that still breaks my heart in such a beautiful way. It turned out that the money was something he had stolen from Bruce as a safety for when Bruce threw him out. But Bruce never did that, so in the end he gave it to Sam. Bruce was rich enough to not care. Again I love the fact that these two scenes are both true! In what other medium is that possible!?

Even though we had more scenes together (For example: Sam, Mickey and Bruce (weirdest family ever) holding hands during the wait at the last funeral) those three scenes kinda ended the story arc of Bruce and Mickey and now it’s time to end and kinda begin the other story or more experience that I had during the game.

As I have hinted to a few times, another theme for Bruce was loneliness and that he wanted to spend act three trying to create some meaningful and lasting relationships. I don’t know what I was thinking, I don’t even know how to do that in real life, how did I expect to do it in a game?

So towards the tea ceremony I found it more and more difficult to find play. Most others were deep in their close relations working towards the conclusions of them. Which makes sense. But for me it meant that it became more and more difficult and taxing to find scenes to play. I was also more tired than I knew at the time.

I had to think hard to come up with anything to do and everything I came up with was over very quickly and it became clear, that I was falling in creating meaningful relationships, well except for Mickey, but that was kinda done by that point, not much more to play on.

This situation was draining me and I was starting to feel rather unhappy and having a hard time remaining in character, so after the green tea I went to my room, that was still technically in game, but that I know would likely be empty, to just take a break and think about what to do now. I was gripped by a strange intense feeling of sadness, frustration and loneliness, that I couldn’t quite place. I felt very out of character. After a bit I knew I could not ignore these feelings, so I decided to just include them in my play. This was after the green tea, so it would make sense to Bruce have a little breakdown. So I went and sat in the central lounge area and let the emotions go free and tried to incorporate them into the character.

Foto: Elina Andersson

So I sat there alone, head in my hands letting what ever was in me flood over me, while the others was out sending up lanterns for the dead. I did not know that at the time, but it explained why I was alone in that area. Suddenly a flood of realization hit me.

I knew this feeling! And I definitely know this experience! Of feeling alone at a party and other situations. Of having plenty of people to talk to in the beginning but always about superficial and practical things, but as the evening wore on people would find their closer friends and that would leave me alone. Also this whole struggle to find more meaningful relationships and not knowing how to do that. Not being able think up things to talk about other than practical stuff or intellectual stuff. Not being part of their shared anecdotes. That was all so familiar. I was as alone as Bruce.

This is of course a truth with modifications. I’m not as alone as it sounds, but it still something I struggle with: “being alone in a sea of friendship” I think I called it. Throughout countless conversations afterwards, I now know that this was not the only issue at play, but I’ll stay with this as we don’t want this to turn into another therapy session.

No matter what, the result was a breakdown. I opened my mouth in a silent scream and tears started flowing unhindered down my cheeks. I have never cried as freely as that. Does this sound like too much? Like over the top and too emotional? Yes it properly is, but at that moment it was important to me. I was tired, I was already emotional from the game, and had just decided to let go of my hold of my emotions and just feel, now it’s no wonder for me that it happened.

Anger and frustration suddenly hit me: “This is something I don’t know how to solve in real life how on earth am i supposed to fucking roleplay my way out of it?!” That and the way my mind and body reacted made it clear for me: Something is wrong and I need to go off game for good. I basically just burst into the organisers room, sat down on the floor and continued crying in front of a rather surprised Nicolaj (sorry mate).

I know now that I would never normally have done that, I would never had shown such loss of control in front of any one. This is my greatest fear, as I have struggled with temper tantrums (a too small word for it) in my childhood. I have lost friends and respect because of loss of control. And the last thing I wanted was to have my new great community of roleplayers see that side of me. Seeing the disgust and pity in their eyes. So I guard myself very hard, and that has been an important part of becoming the nice, calm(ish) man I am today. But that day I learned that at some points I have guarded myself too hard, I’m in the process of trying to find the balance. (I could go into much more detail here, but I think you get the gist of it.)

Alarm bells were ringing in my mind, stop it, don’t show it, hold back. But that night I was so tired, so worn, so vulnerable that I stopped caring, and just let my breakdown show to the organisers, somehow, somewhere knowing that it was important to do. (This is still very difficult for me to write. But I have since learned that it’s when I feel this instinct to hide that I must be open about it, it’s the only way to work my way through it. The mental resistance to writing this gives me the stubborn strength to continue writing.)

I hadn’t sat there for long before Anna showed up (oh and Nicolaj didn’t go to me because he had strained his hand so don’t blame him). She took action straight away and after sorting Nicolaj out went to me, held me and just let me talk. (This is harder to write than I thought, I still feel a strong urge to just delete it all. I’m just so god damn grateful for Anna and Arvid (you’ll see why) in all this) (I use real names here, to thank them and because that feels right).

To begin with I just told her, that I was leaving the game. But I felt like I needed to explain why, but also I felt a great need explain myself and maybe somewhere knew that this was an important moment and that this was my chance to do something about all this. This is the same reason I’m telling this very emotional and silly story on my otherwise rather calm blog. I know every time I feel like shuting up, I need to do the opposite, it’s my way of breaking down the blockade I have built over the years. It might matter nothing to you, but it’s important to me.

So I started talking. I told her how my game with Bruce echoed my real life. How I couldn’t handle that not in game, not in real life. She just sat with me for a long time, calmed me down and said it’s ok, don’t feel guilty, I don’t think you’re wrong or pathetic. Just basically giving me the exact opposite than that look I feared so much. Instead of pity, disgust and shock came compassion, understanding and even thankfulness that I had the courage to show this to her.

I told her, I would drop out of the game and thought that was that. But she said, that this is one of the things this game can handle and that I should give my fellow players the chance to show me that I and Bruce do mean something for them. This I rebelled against for the same reasons as before, but also I felt guilty. As I have said everyone was in the midst of their very strong end game. I didn’t want to take time away from that to deal with little poor me. But she opposed me saying they would be honored to help out. That’s what we are all here for and that it would ruin nothing in fact the opposite. My strong experience would enhance their game. I thought she was humoring me, but still I could resist, not at that point.

She suggested to get in to play again at the latest tomorrow, but at that point I was beginning to see that this moment, this crack in my defenses was important, not sure why yet but I knew it was. So I agreed to return to the game, but that it had to be tonight, or else I might come to my senses in the morning. We agreed on some players that I trusted and that it would make sense to interact with Bruce at this point. I stilled hated doing this but also knew that it was a good idea. I mentioned: Mr. T (played by Arvid), Ike and Artie.

She came back with only Arvid, but that was fine, then I only had to tell it all again to one person. I told him the same story, and he reacted exactly like Anna had said they would. Hugging me hard, tellin me it was ok, that I was brave to do this, and that he was honored to be there for me. At the time I kinda suspected Anna for instructing him on how to react, but I chose to believe them now (well ish).

During all this I slowly got the idea on how to return to the game. The dance floor was full, and in act two, to get the party started the disco star Leon had given a late night performance. So I suggested: Why don’t Bruce give a song. And I knew just the song: “Don’t stop me now” the theme song for Bruce though out all this. Both Anna and Arvid shouted: that’s my favorite song, and again I suspected them for humoring me. But at least they thought the idea was good. So we went to the dance floor, got the DJ Tony to set up the song. Mr. T presented me: “Bruce wants to give you all a number, and give him a big hand as he’s feeling a bit down!” Not in a million years would I have seen myself doing something like that. But this was the time to do it. I don’t know how many was on the floor, but it felt packed.

The song started and I went crazy, just acting out all my emotions dancing and pretend singing like never before and the floor went amok, singing along at the top of their lungs dancing with me, around me, it was insane. I have rarely felt so much support and love and the most amazing thing? They had no idea why I did it. They just thought it was a crazy event. It still brings me a smile when I think about, it it was such a powerful moment, I will treasure for a long time. I might have looked ridiculous as I dance very badly, but it must have looked like I meant it.

It was like being recharged, so I spent a long time on that dance floor, dancing my heart out having many different dance partners or just enjoying myself on my own. I even felt enough surplus energy to start interacting with other players that looked like they needed some game. I particularly remember Rosemary, whom I later found out had come from a very emotional experience and was on her way to sleep and me and two others got her on the floor and we ended up dancing very close after which Bruce shouted: “first time I’ve done that with a lesbian!” I was later told that, that little dance had meant a lot to Rosemary. That night I felt as low as I rarely have, and as high as I rarely have, it was very powerful. It also taught me some important things, but i’m still figuring out exactly what.

And I’m gonna end my retelling here. As for the story of Bruce this is the dual stories he (and I) had. The complex at times ugly but in the end happy love story between Bruce and Mickey and then this strong emotional experience that I’m still trying to figure out what meant. There was much more to JaLL and it feels wrong to leave it out, (For example the whole last funeral and a lovely last minute wedding, but that might get mentioned in the favorite scenes post, if I do it), but from a storytelling view that is it.

Thank you if you read this far, though I think only very few did. Coming up is more posts about JaLL (selected scenes, playing on sexsuality and maybe something on design and structure.) And then posts on the Larp Writer Summer School and what I took home from that. And then who knows…

Read my introduction here
Read act 1 here

The act 2 get up, much more stiff and tense. But still defiantly Bruce. Foto: Petter Karlsson

I’m just gonna continue like you know what this is about, so you should at least read the act one post, if you haven’t.

In the planning between acts me and Daniel (I’ll use people’s characters names here) agreed that they had dated for a few months after the party, but then Daniel just stopped returning calls and kind of disappeared as he had a habit of. It was also decided that Sinclair died a few months before the next party. So during that year Bruce was abandoned in his first attempt at a relationship and lost his close friend, a man he thought was invulnerable, but he also realized how little he knew Sinclair and even worse no one knew the real Bruce (whoever that was). This marked the beginning of the second story I experienced: the fear of loneliness.

Me and Mickey also decided that Mickey had lived with Bruce that year and gradually Bruce started showing him of as his boyfriend, but also started building up Mickey to a level where Bruce could be seen with this young man. “I can’t just date anyone.” Bruce got him a studio (Micky was an art photographer) and made sure he got his art showed at just the right galleries and received good reviews.

The new core group after act 1. For me the way Bruce, Mickey and Gwen stands really well show the relationships there. Gwen leaning on Mickey Bruce holding Mickey, Mickey caught in the middle. Foto: Petter Karlsson

Mickey was part of a core group with Lester and Gwen who’s theme was all about dominance and power, so Bruce fitted in well there. But where the others played, Bruce didn’t. He actually looked down on BDSM, “If you need wips and robe to make sex work, then you’re not doing it right.” So the master and servant like relationship Bruce and Mickey had became a real one to mirror the game that Mickey, Gwen and Lester played. It was only after the act I saw how cruel and oppressive I ended up playing.

In act two Bruce was a shaken man, Sinclair’s death was still close and the first time he had exposed a bit of himself, he had been abandoned by Daniel. And then there was this young Mickey living with him, doing everything to please him. But Bruce was not nice to him. I Later learned the Micky was sacred of Bruce. He knew Bruce could crush Mickey and feared it would happen any day. But Bruce didn’t think like that. He was distraught, confused and not handling the new emotions very well. It was a very tense act for me. And for Mickey’s player as well, as I, especially in the beginning, played very possessive and commanding.

Early on in the act me and Mickey had a trio of black box scenes to show how our relationship was. Ok better put in a trigger warning here: The scenes were not nice.

The first was Bruce coming home from Sinclair’s funeral, we did that as a kind of symbolic dance where the player of Mickey utilised something called contact improvisation, that sounds really cool. In essence I moved around going through the many emotions that Bruce felt after this, anger, fear, sadness and so on, taking it all out on Mickey. When I pushed Mickey, he would move closer, when I pulled him in, he tried to move away. It was great, it was perfect, a cool metaphor for it, rather than just doing the scene. I Still remember lying on top of Mickey my arm raised, hand in a fist, seeing the fear in the young man’s eyes and then just collapsing and crying on his stomach.

The next two was Mickey trying to keep Bruce happy, thinking that he alone wasn’t enough for Bruce. So he brought him gifts. The first a drag queen for Bruce’s pleasure. The next gift shocked Bruce: two young boys 15 years old. Angry Bruce yelled at Mickey. “What on earth were you thinking?” Mickey looking confused and hurt said: “But it’s the only way to keep you safe. These have definitely not been exposed to anything.” Remember this act was about the fear of death and we were beginning to learn that HIV was transferred via sex.

Those three scenes so simply showed all that was wrong in that relationship. They both kinda liked each other and Mickey at least wanted to take care of Bruce even if he fears him. But they are both so damn bad at it. The look of fear on mickeys face had intrigued Bruce, it was the first time he saw anything else than a mask of friendly servitude. Bruce became fascinated by what lay beneath the masks that Mickey wore.

This only deepened as Bruce saw more and more of the real Mickey. He saw the young man talking to other artists and suddenly he saw a passionate young man, who created art, and was good at it. The life Bruce saw in the eyes of Mickey when he talked about art was intoxicating for a hollow man like Bruce. Bruce was falling in love slowly, fearfully but surely.

Therefore throughout the act Bruce confronted Mickey in different ways, trying to push him to show some real Mickey. And also being afraid of getting hurt again he kept wanting assurance, that if he did allow himself to fall for this young man, he wouldn’t be left again. But Mickey on the other hand (I learned later), was afraid to show himself to this dangerous shark, better just keep trying to please him. None of them realising that the other wanted the exact opposite.

Things really got hot when Bruce discovered what relationship Mickey had with Gwen (Lester being much out of the picture at that point) and that it was still going on. Mickey got caught between Gwen and Bruce, who both wanted him, and also needed him. We had many scenes back and forth, Mickey trying to keep the balance and also to keep the dangerous Bruce pleased. Mickey even going so far as to offer to punish Gwen on behalf of Bruce. That struck Bruce as silly, but later he said yes do it, do the worse you can think of. Again he didn’t care the least about Gwen, but he used it as a way to push Mickey, “show me something! React! Push back! Don’t just accept!” But Mickey did.

After the green tea Bruce made the ultimatum: “leave Gwen!” He wasn’t sure he meant it but he knew that it would push Mickey to perhaps show some real emotions or to actually leave Bruce, so it would be over and done with before Bruce fell too far. Mickey tried to be allowed to keep her: “Don’t you want to control her through me?” But again remember: Bruce was falling for Mickey and wasn’t interested in controlling someone he saw as beneath him anyway. And on the other side Mickey still hadn’t realized that Bruce was falling for him. He still feared him and saw him only as a power hungry capitalist. I love how much Bruce falling in love with Mickey confused Mickey.

Mickey said he would leave them, but Bruce still deeply mistrusted him, both because he was clearly doing and saying everything he thought Bruce wanted to hear, but also because Bruce felt very vulnerable and wanted to be sure he would not get hurt again.

But a talk with Ike, another important character for Bruce, that I don’t have the space to get into here, (I hope to cover him more in a post about my favorite scenes) convinced Bruce to give Mickey a chance and to try and trust him. I had planned to be really tough next time Bruce met Mickey, so Ike saved him from that. Instead Bruce confessed his love to Mickey and got only stunned silence in return.

But by the end of act two Bruce had come to a kind of acceptance: He was in love with Mickey, and might get hurt, but he should try and trust him and have patience that Mickey might someday open up to him. So we had a great scene where Bruce said: “If you promise to try and open up to me, I promise to give you time to do that.” Mickey looked back stunned and tried to show something but couldn’t yet, but the effort was enough for Bruce. Oh and it also helped when Mickey offered to get his stuff from Gwen’s place.

At the funeral scene Mickey name was picked, that was a punch to the stomach. So it felt like a true relief when Bruce was picked as well. At least he would be there for Mickey. Neither Bruce nor Mickey died, but again the funeral had an element of loneliness for Bruce. No one rushed to him, when he came back from the ordeal, unlike everyone else. Artie even brushed past him to get to someone else more important. That hurt.

When Bruce saw Mickey’s sister Sam (who he had talked to the other night to get to know Mickey better) and Gwen standing together looking for Mickey, he hugged Mickey and pushed him towards them, trying to signal that it was ok. Then turned his back and stood alone yet again. Soon after Mickey came and stood silent besides him. I didn’t know at the time that he had walked straight past them still following my order.

In the break both me and Mickey’s player agreed that we didn’t want this power play anymore, we wanted a more equal relationship. It took us some time to figure that out, because we both thought that the other wanted more of the same.

Another thing I have done in my work with Bruce, my character for Just a Little Lovin, is to make a short playlist for him, and even found “his number.” This again I did with my friend, but have worked on it since, (but I still can’t recommend enough to work on your character with a friend, it has really been helpful, especially if you’re a bit nervous about it.)

So the songs are both songs I know but also songs from the time and inspired by the playlists they have made for the game, (I’m listening to that right now). Not all of the songs are made before the game is set, but most is, and the most important one is, and one is definitely not from the eighties, but it has it’s point. So lets go through them.

Queen: Don’t stop me now
As soon as I remembered this song I thought: “This is perfect!” And the more I listen to the lyrics it just screams Bruce. But also the tempo, the partyness of it, the beet, it just fits! And luckily it’s made late in the seventies, so it could easily be the song he listens to, as he gets ready for another mad night out.
Just see these lyrics that I have picked out from around the song:
“I’m floating around in ecstasy”
“I’m a shooting star leaping through the skies”
“Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity”
“There’s no stopping me”
“I’m burning through the sky yeah!”
“Two hundred degrees”
“I’m trav’ling at the speed of light”
“I wanna make a supersonic man out of you”
“I am a satellite I’m out of control”
“I am a sex machine ready to reload”
“Like an atom bomb about to Oh oh oh oh oh explode”

Queen: Another one bites the dust
The one thing that got this one the list is the beat, its hard and sweaty. This songs plays in his head when he’s putting on his suit that fits just so. Or the one he hears after a good day at the stock exchange, where he has just gotten another client from the nose of a competitor. It’s a powerful song, and he likes it. (Queen fits in general, the lead singer also lived a double life, and lived life too hard. But I don’t think we yet knew he was gay by 1982?) Where the lyrics in “Don’t stop me now” fits perfectly for Bruce they don’t so much for this one, this is more the beat and the repeated phrase: “Another bites the dust.” Taking down another one, be it a good sale or another young lover, both is a success to be celebrated long into the night.

Michael Jackson: Billie Jean
Again this is only because of the beat. He likes to move to it, both on his way to the office and in bed. But also the strength and agility Jackson radiates in this song, is something Bruce likes. By coincidence I ended up with six songs, so you can in a way also see them as songs for each act. So the previous two are the ones from act one, it fits that act, is all about love, parties and enjoying life. Now this is the first song of act two, (which is a bit darker, and about partying, because there might be no tomorrow, ignoring the fear and partying for one more night.) So “Billie Jean” fits as the story in the song, is a bit more dark, but Bruce ignores that and keeps the party going.

Queen: Headlong
This one is kind of says the same thing as “Don’t stop me now” but with two differents: the singer says: you instead of me and it still someone moving too fast, but now out of control and heading for a crash. “And there’s nothing you can do about it…” If Bruce reacts to the pressure in act two with even more partying, this song fits very well, it can easily go very wrong and what he has been suppressing will hit him hard. The question is: will he realize the course he’s on and will and can he change it? I don’t know, but I hope I get to find out. (Bruce might die before this point, but I sure don’t hope so, I really want to explore this character, especially in act two, I can survive him dying (haha pun) in act three, but would still regret it.)

Eurythmics – Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
This song is from before I started dividing them into acts, so it’s both a symbol of him chasing those pleasures (sweet dreams) (and again it’s also the beat I like), but it can also be the confusion act two and three might be putting on Bruce. What is his dreams and what is it everyone else around him wants? The sound if the song is also slightly mystisk and confusing, this is the conflict in Bruce. “Everybody’s looking for something, what are you looking for Bruce?”

Marilyn Manson – Sweet Dreams
But that’s just the same song! And it’s definitely not from the eighties, I hear you shout. Yes, I know, but I just like it so much, so it went on there. But the more I listen to it and especially in connection with the Eurythmics version, they start complimenting each other. This is much more dark and destructive, this is the sound of loss and collapse. I imagine, that if this was a film and that if Bruce did die, this song would be playing as he scared and (maybe) alone died. You never came around, you wasted your life, the devil mocks him as he gasps for the last time. This is in short the worst end that Bruce can face. Will it come to that? I don’t know, I have no idea how the two last acts will be, I and don’t want to. It’s impossible to plan anyway, as he and other players will also have a great influence on what happens.

I completly forgot about this series I was doing a life sometimes eh? Oh well were are the rest at the same time, Then you can read that while I’m at JaLL (it start tomorrow)

There was one post I didn’t get around to write about costume and how to use that as a proces for your character. But I’ll get back to that 🙂

In my last post, it was all about the unstructured thinking that I’ve done about my character for Just a Little Lovin, Bruce. And how I’ve used that to deal with some of the doubts I had with it. This time, it’s how I’ve used talking to other people, as a tool to get a better grip on Bruce.

So one of the issues, I didn’t have a great handle on, is how to flirt and seduce. See that also plays a role in the game and with Bruce. He likes young men and he’s definitely the one that does the seducing. So how on earth do I (shy, and in a relationship for the last 10 years and with a history of bad oh so bad flirting before that) handle that?

Well this is where talking about the character with my friend, Anine, became very helpful. And we figured out a few things. First of all my take on dominance and manipulation works well here, (see my last post). Short recap: I mustn’t hold back myself and my ideas and compulsions out of fear for what others think, because Bruce will just do it, if it will help him get, what he wants. And Bruce will be nice and will talk others up, to get them to like him.

Or rather: when you first read Bruce, he’s easy to see as a selfish asshole, who like to be front and center. But you don’t get to the position he’s in by being a selfish asshole or you won’t at least if you show it too much. No I think Bruce is great to be around, he’s fun, charming and talks you up. But he has his own motives by doing that. So just by talking about my worry about flirting, I came to see, how my take on dominance and manipulation could be used here.

But what if it doesn’t work and someone rejects his advances? Well my friend had an answer for that, and it’s found in Bruce’s other trait: hedonistic. He likes pleasure he abhors boredom. If someone don’t want to play along he would just leave and find a party somewhere else.

I have also spend some time talking to people who have more experience in this kind of larp than me. Especially Oliver, who has been my constant consultant. Recently he visited me and we talk about many things, among which me participating in JaLL.

One thing he suggested was finding some small repeatable scenes or actions to do if one has a low moment or just needs a break. That is something I want to work with.

All in all I have talked to many people about this, more than is necessary but I find it interesting and as this is my first big larp it’s hard not to. I have talked to people who have played the game, people who I’m going to play close to in this run and so on. Each time I have left the conversation feeling more ready and less nervus.

Questions about the character
This was another thing we did a lot, when I talked with Anine about Bruce. She asked me questions about Bruce, like the one I mentioned in one of the first posts: “what will he do if someone’s dies?” And the answer to that was he or me doesn’t know. But she asked other things, that really helped me with the character.

It’s like the workshop technique called the hot chair, where you ask a player questions and he answers them truthfully about his character. Just coming up with the answers helps you build a better image of a character. But this worked even better, because her questions often came out of the blue while we were doing other things. I think she is fascinated by the game and would have signed up, if she had the time. She also a psychologist and finds asking questions rather natural.

I can’t remember many specific questions or answers, they short of flow together now. Many of the insights with the traits comes from these questions and answers, but now it’s all sort of part of my image of the character.

So this is definitely an advice, but it might be hard to follow. You need to find a friend who is fascinated by the game, by role play, and by your character, and who isn’t afraid of asking a lot of questions. Have that friend over, cook some good food together, and let the friend ask questions during it. That way your answers become more spontaneous and less forced.

If you invite me over for good food I’ll gladly pay by asking questions about someone you are about to play. I’m sure many feel the same.

Until now my work with my character for Just a Little Lovin, the hedonistic Bruce, I described in my last post, have been very unstructured, a lot thinking in short. We got our spot for the game and character, just as I had gone to bed one evening and that set of a whole thought stream, so I didn’t sleep until 3. that night.

And since then I have let my thoughts dwell on the character once in a while, much like I work with my ideas I now realize. Let it be there in the background and only touch lightly on it once in a while, as I with do other things and if something new appears work and with that a bit until it is thought through.

In the beginning it was mainly worries, what if this, what if that?

See one of the things that troubled me with Bruce is his traits:
Competitive
Hedonistic
Dominant
Manipulative
Flashy

These are the traits of a strong and outgoing man. And I’m more to holding back. As I talked about in my post about playing “New Voices in Art”, I’m very self conscious about what others think about me. Therefore I created a character that wasn’t. And to some extent Bruce is like that. But the big difference is that he does care, or rather it’s important that he seems strong, where as in the artist character it didn’t matter, if he was seen as a fool, he just didn’t care. Neither does Bruce, he just never ends up seeming like fool. But I do. Or at least i’m afraid I do.

But this is role play, you might say at this point, can’t you just pretend? Well yes, but from experience I also know that I need to find some connecting points within myself to the character. Especially for the bits that’s very different from me. Because these parts are so alien to me, I need to find out, how I will express them, if I don’t, well then I know that I’ll either freeze up, (thinking too much about am I doing this wrong or right) or I’ll do it very cliche or superficially.

I need to convince myself, that I can play this alien character, so that I during play can relax and focus on the experience rather than on what to do now and is this good enough? And I do that by looking at how I will express the different and difficult parts of the character. And that is the process I will go through now:

Competitive: I’m not competitive, I just really don’t care who’s best. Luckily this part of Bruce would mostly come out during his working hours and they are not part of the play. But if they do, I think I’ll try and turn my own attitude to competition upside down: I don’t care because I know I can’t be the best. Bruce doesn’t care because he knows, he is the best.

Hedonistic: This is the one I know straight from the start I could do. I love pleasure and good things. Even to excess. It’s a part of me I’m a bit worried about sometimes, all I need to do is shut that worry down and just let myself go (and crank it up to 11). Bruce wants pleasure, and as much of it as possible. One of the things I talked about with Anine, (mentioned in my last post) is that Bruce is quantity over quality, more, more, more! I can do that. If something is boring move on from it look for the next pleasure. And that also solves another worry. Which we will come back to.

Dominant: This one I struggled with a lot, until I realized one thing I often do with strangers: I hold back, a lot, especially if we are talking in english. I speak english as well as danish (because I’m half english). I also try in workshops and group work to hold back, because I often have a lot of ideas and other things, I just want to throw out there. I’m very responsive, If someone says something that often gives me a new idea, and I’m worried that I take the spotlight too much, and often hold back. I want others to have a good time as well, you know give others room. Well Bruce doesn’t have that worry, so I just need to shut down that consideration. If I want to speak, if I want to grab center stage, I just do it. I know it’s not a traditional form of dominance, but it will be how I’ll try and handle it.

Manipulative: Again I thought this is something I’m not, but then I saw another thing: I’m a nice guy and I like to be nice to others. Bruce is the same, but he has other motives. He’s nice and I think complementing, but he does it, because it helps him get what he wants (calling back the the whole hedonistic thing). So he will be fun and nice to be around, a good party friend, but he has a reason for his behavior. It kind of fits, because he is living a double life: in the day he’s around straight traditional men and the stock exchange, but at night he parties at gay bars with young impressionable men. Also the personal issue with suppressing all other parts of life requires a strong mask. So it’s not that I need to change my way of being much but my interior motivation has to change.

I spend a lot of time on praise others and I want people around me to feel appreciated. I do this, because I like to please and I want to be friends with everyone and also I want others to feel good about themselves. Struggling with low confidence, I know what that kind of words means to me, so I want to share the love, (you bloody hippie). And that can be twisted to be seen as manipulation, (or rather it kind of is already). But again I need to switch the motivation. See nice guy Simon does it, because he wants others to feel good about themselves. But Bruce does it because he knows that it will get him what he wants.

Flashy: This is kind of the visual combination of the above four. He is a success and must show it in clothes and actions. I hope that comes with the other things.

So as mentioned in my last post I’m playing Bruce, let me just give you the lowdown on him from the character description: (It’s a completely transparent game, we even get all the other character descriptions, so we know what to play on.)

5 defining characteristics:

• Competitive
• Hedonistic
• Dominant
• Manipulative
• Flashy

Also the character description starts like this: “Yuppie, this is your age. Rags to riches story. High on testosterone, money and the high life of the city.”

When I first got the part I thought “wow he’s everything I’m not,” and even for a few seconds considered turning it down, (that would have meant forgoing my spot and only getting a spot if someone else backed out, and then maybe even getting a less fitting character).

But the more I read and reread the character and thought about it and talked to others about it, the more I could see that my first reaction is both true but also not so.

At some points he’s like me, at some points he’s what I pretend to be in the right circumstances, at some points he’s what I should be (by now), and at a few points he’s the opposite from me, which is also something that’s fun to explore (such as my experience with New Voices in art, Read about that here.)

But the main reason I want to play Bruce is his personal issue, the internal conflict that will drive this character, especially as we move into act two and three and his current superficial lifestyle comes under pressure and is seen in the harsh light that AIDS epidemic will set it in. For that same reason I have decided to not think about this character beyond the first act. I don’t want to know how he will react until it happens.

So in my work with this character I will only look at him as he is right now even though this is a clearly unstable condition that can’t last. And it is:

He lives to hard! Spends his working hours at Wall Street, high on the adrenalin rush of the stock market, he throws himself at this full hearted. And throws himself just as powerful at the city’s party life after work is done. This is the city that never sleeps and I don’t think that Bruce sleeps much either. He works too hard, he parties too hard, and as a result:

“You have been forced to shut down so many other parts of your life and personality: Friendship, Family, Insecurity, Guilt, the need to relax and the need to simply pause and think.”

But:

“You can sometimes feel these shut­ down parts of yourself hammering on the iron doors you have locked them behind.”

And that of course leads to the question:

“Will they (the locked away parts) manage to escape, or will you succeed in keeping them subdued?”

And that question will be central in act two and three, that is why I want to play Bruce, and that is why I don’t want to think about it before hand.

I was visited by my friend Anine recently and we ended up talking a lot about the game and my character and that actually become an important part of my work with Bruce. (See the thing is the character description is actually rather short and you are meant to interpret on it yourself, (atleast thats how I understand it). You can’t play your character wrong, because you will be playing your interpretation of it.)

And at one point she asked me: “what happens if a close friends die” and after a short pause I said “I don’t know and Bruce definitely doesn’t”, at this point he never even thinks of death as a possibility, which is why I dont want to either.

In the next posts I will write about what I have done so far, in my work with finding my version of Bruce.